Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Impending meatball doom and the early stages of the checklist

I’m surrounded on all sides by meatballs.

                Perhaps that statement requires some explanation. It does not refer to the countless cinematic catastrophes that I am about to force feed myself, but rather to the fact that there are literally meatballs all over my home.
We had our family Christmas brew ha-ha on Saturday and it seems as though we prepared enough food to feed several dozen large families and their pets until next Christmas. I’ve been eating leftover meatball sandwiches at least seven times a day without putting so much as a dent in our massive stockpile. Things have gotten so bad that last night I dreamed that a meatball threw me out of my bed and claimed it for itself. When I awoke I was lying on the floor in a cold sweat… my sheets were covered in tomato sauce.
Much of that story is not true, but what if it were? What if my house was merely the first wave of an impending meatball apocalypse? I intend on sleeping with one eye open and I will keep you all apprised of the situation if anything changes. Knowledge is power!       
I’ve wasted enough of your time with that ugly gibberish. I wanted to give you a sneak peak at the Bad Movie Checklist that you and I are devising to aid me on my quest to locate the Worst Movie of All Time.  Here are my thoughts so far. Remember to send me any ideas you would like to see added to the list.
                -Over Acting? (1)
                -Under Acting? (1)
                -Improbable as it may seem… BOTH? (3)
                -Lame but a sign of the times (1)
                -What’s so special about these? (2)
                -Is it possible to CG a script? (3)
                -Obviously tiny (1)
                -Shockingly big (2)
                -Too smart for their own good (2)
                -Constantly in need of rescuing (2)
                -Occasional plot hole (1)
                -I think I hear running water at the bottom of that plot hole (2)
                -I have no clue what I just watched (3)
                -Monologueing villains (3)
                -Character who conveniently knows way too much about what’s going on (“It just so happens that I’m an expert on the mating rituals of giant mutant Chinchilla creatures”) (1)
                -Musical numbers that in no way further the plot (2)
                -I wish the movie was as good as the credit sequence (3)
The numbers in parenthesis’s () represents point which will be earned if a movie contains that particular defect. After watching a movie and completing the checklist, I will add ups these points to see where it qualifies on the Z-List scale. Think of it like a Cosmo quiz for low quality movies.
I mean, don’t think of it that way because I have no idea what a Cosmo quiz is! I’m far too manly for such endeavors. Why, just today I chopped down a tree with my bare hands and arm wrestled a baker’s dozen of Alaskan Grizzly bears. The Old Spice Guy calls me for dating tips. I swear it.
Bumble bee tuna.

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