Friday, December 24, 2010

Season's Greetings plus the gift that keeps on giving: a Checklist!

Happy Christmas Eve folks!
This is usually a busy time of year for procrastinators such as myself. Lots of moderately paced driving from mall to mall in search of a last minute, not-perfect-but-acceptable gift, followed by crazed menacing of store clerks who try and explain that they’ve been sold out of Yankee Candles and Tickle-Me-Elmos since August.
Not this year though. By some strange yet happy accident, I have been done my holiday shopping for very nearly a week. Even better, I’m over 90% done wrapping said gifts.
So this is what preparedness feels like. Hmm. Like a warm combination of victory and tapioca.
While most of the rest of the world hustle and bustles, while the Grinch readies attack helicopters (piloted by Max) and scans his radar for signs of large, bearded men in Sleighs, I will sit and write nonsense. Tis the season.
I’ve got a few modifications and additions to make as we finalize our Bad Movie Checklist.
                -Accent Mishaps (1)
    -Actor plays multiple characters (2)
    -Chemistry? You mean like that class I almost failed in high school? (3)
                -Over Acting? (1)
                -Under Acting? (1)
                -Improbable as it may seem… BOTH? (3)
                -Lame but a sign of the times (1)
                -What’s so special about these? (2)
    -3-D for the sake of 3-D (Look! A Yo-yo!) (2)
                -When in doubt, CGI! (3)
                -Obviously tiny (1)
                -Shockingly big (2)
                -Too smart for their own good (2)
                -Constantly in need of rescuing (2)
                -Occasional plot hole (1)
                -Someone actually thought this was a good idea? (2)
                -I have no clue what I just watched (3)
    -Contains the words “Inspired by a True Story” somewhere on the poster/DVD box (1)
                -Sequel without any of the cast or crew of the original (1)
                -Remake, Sequel or “Reimagining” (1)
                -Based off of a TV show (1)
    -Based off of a videogame (2)
    -Based off of a toy (2)
                -Character who conveniently knows way too much about what’s going on (“It just so happens that I majored in the mating rituals of giant mutant Chinchilla creatures in college”) (2)
    -Monologueing villains (3)
    -Direct-to-DVD (3)  
                -I wish the movie was as good as the credit sequence (3)
                -That title sounds suspiciously like that of a more popular film (i.e. “Transmorphers”) (3)
                -Accidentally REALLY offensive (3)
                -Other (1,2,3 points depending on severity of the offense(s))
So there you have it! The finalized Bad Movie Checklist! A grand total of 60 possible points, each one representing one small step towards the inglourious distinction of being named the Worst Movie of All Time! Watch a movie, add up the points and see a numerical rating of just how bad it is!
Feel free to submit any other ideas you have for the checklist. Don’t worry about messing up the 60 points thing. I’m not married to the number and besides, a math whizz such as yours truly will have no trouble at all making it work. It’s not like I had to count this thing up and done half a dozen times just to make sure I added correctly. Haha. That would just be silly.
They’re on to me. I need a distraction.
Did you know that Santa Claus was typically depicted as an Elf until a 1931 Coca-Cola ad changed him into a full sized person? The more you know. Thanks to Music Choice Sounds of the Season TV station for that little ditty.
Season’s Greetings and bumblebee tuna to all!

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