2010: Moby Dick

Credentials: 2.7 out of 10 (imdb.com)

Plot: (SPOILER ALERT!)The captain (Ahab, played by Barry Bostwick) of a nuclear submarine goes mental while hunting the gargantuan white whale (CGI) that stole his leg. He kidnaps a whale expert (Renee O’Connor) and the Navy bungles all efforts to try to rein him in. And then… huh. Well, actually I think that about sums it up. “Moby Dick” in the modern world. This ain’t your daddy’s white whale, buoys and gulls. You better watch out because stuff’s about to get… amphibious.

Thoughts: Yet another cheese-tastic piece of work from The Asylum. The same studio that bought us current Cheese List Champion “Titanic II,” as well as “mockbusters” such as “The Day the Earth Stopped,” “Transmorphers” and “Snakes on a Train.”  

                Fun Fact: According to Wikipedia.org (so you know it’s true) no Asylum production has ever LOST money! Considering the crap they pump out several times a year, that is truly a remarkable and disturbing statement.

Basically, they make extremely cheap, stupid movies that no one expects to be any good, give them a punchy title and watch as the nickels and dimes trickle in.

What a formula!

Fortunately for me--- or unfortunately if you like seeing me suffer--- “Moby Dick” wasn’t as bad as “Titanic II.”

The pacing was ok, the basic story (boy meets whale, whale eats boy’s leg, boy tries to kill whale) was alright. That's not really any credit to the film, after all it’s essentially just a dumbed down, badly mangled version of the original “Moby Dick.” But still, we’re looking for positives.

But without a doubt the biggest thing going for new “Moby Dick” is a fantastically unhinged, scenery-chewing performance from Barry Bostwick. I’ve been a big fan of Double B since his run as the space case Mayor on one of my all-time favorite sitcoms: “Spin City.”

Bostwick looks like he’s having a blast depicting the tunnel-vision madness of Ahab. My only regret is that Bostwick wasn’t given enough room to go nuts. Too much time was spent on O’Connor’s dreadfully dull whale expert for my liking.

Hell, I could have done with less of the whale if it meant more Bostwick to go around.

See? Look at all those nice things I said. I’m feeling a little less miserable and curmudgeon-like this evening.

This love-fest is making me uncomfortable. Let’s get to the downside before Asylum tries to hire me as a PR rep or something.

Asylum’s signature hokey special effects are in full force in “2010.” The whale is utterly, utterly ridiculous. It looks like a big grey cucumber with teeth.

As I mentioned above, the main part of the story, the part Herman Melville wrote, isn’t bad. Problems arise when we get to the stuff Asylum came up with.

The Navy doesn’t come off too good here. Not only do they lose a nuclear submarine, but later on they can’t even tell the difference between that sub and a 500 foot long albino sperm whale. Very sad day for Village People fans everywhere.

And then it happens. The movie’s signature moment. SPOILER ALERT!

I normally steer clear of spoilers, but honestly you can’t talk about this movie without mentioning this scene: At one point the whale decides it’s had enough water for one day and heads up onto dry land to hang out for a bit.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS!

A whale crawling around happily on dry land. I tell you, you just haven’t lived until you’ve seen a thing like that.

And you know, it’s marginally entertaining. Not quite laugh-out-loud stuff because the effects are so poor, but sort of fun.

More stupid than anything else. I think The Asylum would benefit from spending a few bucks on some comedy writers. For God’s sake a giant whale crawls across dry land and not one of the characters has a witty one-liner or a humorous word? For realsy? That’s gotta be some kind of violation.

Plus, imagine what a skilled comedy writer could have given Bostwick to work with?

Breakdown

:05

Is it wrong that I feel badly for the whale? What does that say about me as a person?
 I'm on Team Whale! Go whale, eat those people!

:08

Melville is doing the dougie in his grave right now...

:16

Whale watching suuuuuucks. I wish a giant whale had come by and swallowed the boat I was on.
Would have been way more interesting. 

:37

I didn't realize Marines were allowed to have Bieber haircuts... Finally!

:45

If you see just one movie this year where a whale eats a helicopter... Make it "The King's Speech."
If you have time for two, give "2010: Moby Dick" a shot.

1:02

Best shot of the movie. Bostwick looks like an absolute lunatic.
This should have been the poster.

1:09

Do we really need the crotch shot here? We get it! He's got a fake hand. Move on!

1:14:

I'm tired of seafood. I'm gonna grab a pizza, you guys want anything?

 So the movie is not as much fun as it could be. The effects are bad and outside of Bostwick, the acting is a horrible mess. Still, it could be worse. It could be “Titanic II.”

Bumblebee tuna.