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This week’s Cheese List entry is focused on two things: hockey and the fine art of woo-ing a fella or lady depending on your preference.

                It was co-written by and stars a comedy icon. He’s a former “SNL”-er who has created some of the most memorable big screen characters of all time.

                Also in there is one of the most successful musicians of our time. A guy who once made time with the leading lady from last week’s Cheese List movie.

                The film tells the story of a pro hockey player who needs a little help with the ladies before he can truly make it big.

                I’m of course talking about Mike Myers and Justin “J.T.” Timberlake! The movie… well, it’s “The Love Guru.”

                Credentials:14%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) // 3.8 out of 10 (Imdb.com) //24 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) // Nominated for 7 Golden Raspberry Awards at the 2009 Razzies, won 3 (Worst Actor- Mike Myers, Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay)

                Let’s see what the critics had to say about “The Love Guru.”

                “It’s just deadly,” said Richard Roeper of Ebert and Roeper. Hmmm… let’s hope he was exaggerating just slightly or a whole lot. I’m not that dedicated to this unpaid blogging venture.

                “It's a rare film that makes a reviewer consider giving up the movies altogether. My own Waterloo came forty-five minutes into ‘The Love Guru’ when I briefly considered stabbing out my own eyes so that I wouldn't have to watch it anymore,” said Joshua Starnes from ComingSoon.net. I’m seriously beginning to regret this decision.

                Let’s get some good news shall we?

                “I guess the real audience is 40 year-old men with the mind of an 8 year-old,” pointed out Scott Nash from Three Movie Buffs. Well, I may not be 40, but I’m still full of childlike wonderment and such. So yeah. Good news.

                Bumblebee tuna.

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So this week’s Wes Craven movie is … oh wait, sorry. I guess I owe Wes a break for a little while. But somehow I get the feeling our paths shall cross again.

                This week’s Cheese List entry stars a comedy legend, one of the most recognizable young faces in comedy, and a young actress who starred in the biggest blockbuster of all time.   

                Oh yeah, and our leading lady just so happens to be one of the biggest music icons of the last 20 years and perhaps ever.

                Dan Aykroyd. Justin Long. Zoe Saldana.

                And ladies and gentlemen, The Miss Brittany Spears.

                Here is “Crossroads”

Credentials: 14%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatos.com) // 3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) // 27 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) // Nominated for Eight Razzies at the 2003 Golden Raspberry Awards, won two (Worst Actress--- Brittany Spears, Worst Original Song--- “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman”)

Now it’s time to take a gander at what the critics had to say about “Crossroads.”

 “She’s not yet an actress, not quite a singer...” snarked Richard Roeper, of Ebert and Roeper.

“The kind of movie that seems like a very extensive trailer for a music video coming soon to ‘Total Request Live,’” very astutely and accurately noted Jane Dark, from Village Voice. Let this be a lesson to you, critics. If you give “TRL” a shout out, you will get your word s on The Cheese List.  

Ian Waldron-Mantgani, UK Critic, marveled “Crossroads” was “a bizarre piece of work, with premise and dialogue at the level of kids’ television and plot threads as morose as teen pregnancy, rape and suspected murder.”

On the pro side of the ball: “Spears manages to come across on film as natural, endearing, and extremely likable,” raved Jane Crowther from the BBC. So yeah, she seems like a person and we came up with two ways to say she’s not a beeyotch. Party!

“Crossroads,” kids. Someone paint Carson Daly’s nails and fire up the KoRn. All this “TRL” talk has got me fired up!

                Bumblebee tuna.

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This week’s Cheese List entry is part of a blockbuster cinematic franchise. In it, a group of seemingly average people run afoul of an ancient Norse god. A god who delights in raining mischief down on all those around him. A god called … Loki.

                That’s right! In a shocking twist worthy of Attitude-era WWF, this week’s Cheese List feature is this summer’s hit superhero epic “The Avengers!” What? The world is off its axis! Up is down, left is right, pigeons are eagles! Chaos reigns supre … 

               

                Oh wait. Scratch that. This week’s movie does feature Loki, but it’s not “The Avengers.” It’s “Son of the Mask” starring Jamie Kennedy and Alan Cumming.

                Whoops. Well, at least all is right in the world. We can all sleep this evening, pigeons can resume their usual assignments. Bullet dodged.

               

                Credentials: 2.1 out of 10 (Imdb.com) // 6%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) // 20 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) // Nominated for eight Razzies at the 2006 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor- Jamie Kennedy, Worst On-screen Couple- Jamie Kennedy and anyone else in the movie, Worst Supporting Actor- Alan Cumming, Worst Supporting Actor- Bob Hoskins, Worst Remake or Sequel. Won for Worst Remake or Sequel.

                Now let’s hear what our friends the critics had to say:

                Garth Franklin, from Dark Horizons, said: “Sequels without their original stars are usually sent direct to video. Some deserve better, [but] this isn't one of those.”

                “Sequels without their original stars are usually sent direct to video. Some deserve better, [but] this isn't one of those,” lamented David Germain, from the Desert News, Salt Lake City.

            On the positive side of things, Ed Gonzalez from Slant Magazine pointed out: “You mean, that's the same place they shot the police station in Blade Runner? Well, guess I'm buying this DVD post haste.

                And then there was this. Andrea Gronvall, from Chicago Reader said this, um thing: “Whatever possessed director Lawrence Guterman and writer Lance Khazei to transform the sequel to 1994's libidinous hit comedy into pabulum?” Uhhhhh … yeah? Take that or something. I use those words all the time too. Totally. In fact, I just called this guy a pabulum today cuz he was ticking me off. Blew his mind.

                Bumblebee tuna.

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photos.denverpost.com

So how about that Puppy Bowl this weekend? God it was so adorable, I just can’t even process it all right now.

I have to say though, it saddens me how corporate the whole even has gotten --- what with the Icebreakers-sponsored stoppages in play and Animal Planet trying to force-feed the rest of their shows down America’s throats. It used to just be about the puppies, man. Well, the puppies, the kitties and whatever other small, cuddly creatures that happened to be laying around.

Yeah, but it was still awesome and way more interesting than the Super Bowl until god intervened and struck the stadium with a lightning bolt or whatever happened.  

I decided to honor of this weekend’s other big game, the one that didn’t feature cuddly critters, by picking a movie with lots and lots of football action.

Well, that’s not exactly true. There’s actually very little football action to be found in this movie. But there is plenty of talk about going to watch a big football game.

In it, a group of friends are road-tripping their way across country to watch their college team toss the old pigskin around with another college team.

Unfortunately, on route they run into some car problems right smack in the middle of nowhere. The only town within miles seems mostly abandoned, expect for a hearty few individuals, but the kids are really into this college football thing for some reason, so they head there to hopefully get the parts they need to fix their car and get back on the road.

It just so happens this town also has a museum. A special kind of museum with lots of figures in it, figures that look really real, but aren’t … and are made from … wax.

In fact, the museum actually kind of looks like somebody’s house, so I guess you could call it a:

Yes! “House of Wax (2005)” starring Elisha Cuthbert, Jared Padaleck, Chad Michael Murray and Paris Hilton.

Credentials: 25%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) // 5.2 out of 10 (Imdb.com) //41 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) // Nominated for three Razzies at the 2006 Golden Raspberry Awards, (Worst Picture, Worst Remake or Sequel and Worst Supporting Actress --- Paris Hilton), Paris won the Worst Supporting Actress award // Hilton was also won the Razzie for Worst Actress of the Decade at the 2010 Golden Raspberry Awards for her work on this film among others

As I said a few weeks ago, you could call this a guilty pleasure of mine, but that wouldn’t be accurate because I feel no guilt whatsoever about loving this movie. Now, I haven’t seen it in a few years, so let’s see how it holds up to the memory I have of it in my mind.

Yeah, I know. More horror. I’m kind of a one-trick pony.

Let’s take a gander at what the critics had to say about “House of Wax”

Mike Clark from USA Today said: “When the cast starts wondering where the roadkill is, someone says, 'Follow the smell.' Good tip: That's how you'll know where ‘Wax’ is playing.”

“A stupid, brainless, and pointless horror installment with all the usual characters, and pretty bad acting all around ... ” said Felix Vasquez Jr. from Cinema Crazed.

Things weren’t all bad though, Desson Thomson from The Washington Post raved “You’ll be rooting for these people to get slaughtered out of sheer boredom.”

There you go: “House of Wax (2005).” Look for my review on Friday and if you want to track it down and watch it, go right ahead. You just might enjoy yourself.

Bumblebee tuna.

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So we’re going back to the realm of horror for this week’s Cheese List feature because it’s January and it’s freezing and yet still raining and awful outside, so really, what choice do we have?

                Our movie comes from a true legend of the horror genre, a name known far and wide, by both genre fans and the loved ones they drag to theaters with them.

                However, there’s a strong case to be made that this particular icon might be a wee bit over-hyped. A wee lot bit over-hyped.

                Sure, he’s responsible for some of the most memorable monsters to ever carve their way across the big screen, but nearly all of his movies have had glaring flaws. Usually around the ending.

                But as I remarked to myself this weekend as the end credits rolled on “Mama,” “well ... endings are hard,” so he gets a pass from most of the community for his obvious shortcomings.

This  week’s feature is a collaboration between said horror icon and a screenwriter pal, a pair that struck gold and gave us the most memorable slasher of the 90’s. This time around, the pairing elected to take on creature features, only the results wasn’t quite so golden as they were embarrassingly awful.

Let’s take a look …

Yup, it’s “Cursed,” written by Kevin Williamson, directed by Wes Craven and starring Christina Ricci’s forehead, Portia de Rossi, Shannon Elizabeth, Milo Ventimiglia and Christina Ricci.

Sexy “teens” and werewolves. Boy oh boy.

Credentials: 16%, Certified rotten (rottentomaotes.com) // 4.8 out of 10 (imdb.com) // 31 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Here’s what our friends the critics had to some about “Cursed”:

“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio,” said Ben Kenigsberg of the Villiage Voice, which seems needlessly mean to poor Scott Baio.

And because we all know the only thing movie critics love more than Meryl Streep is a lame, title-based pun: “Dumb werewolf movie may leave you feeling cursed,” so sayeth Beth Pratt from Common Sense Media. 

Now, this is the part where I usually crack wise and post a super-negative review and try to convince you it’s actually a positive one. We have fun, you and I. But this, this I swear to Jay-Z is an actual positive review.

“Until this past Friday, the worst werewolf film ever made was, hairy hands down, Mike Nichols' Wolf. Cursed now assumes that dubious distinction and someone is going to have to try very hard to wrestle it away,” raved Rick Kisonak, from Film Threat.

            I kid you not. Rotten Tomatoes counted that one in the positive column. So “Cursed” should likely have an even lower Tomato-meter score, but so it goes.

Check back on Friday for my full review.