Worst of the Worst: The Official Razzie Recap

Last night’s Oscar show may have captured the attention of the vast majority of the Earth’s population, but not all.

 Some of us prefer adjectives like “cheese” and “corn” to “glitz” and “glamor.” We’re a stalwart lot who root around in tinsel town’s leavings as deftly as Lauren Dern through Triceratops poo.  For us, our Super Bowl actually came on Saturday when the 31^st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards were held.

                The Razzies “celebrate” (read: skewer) the worst Hollywood has to offer. A few weeks back, I made my predictions as to who would claim… ehem…victory. I think I did pretty well for myself overall. Let’s recap:

                Worst Picture

                                I Predicted: The Last Airbender

                                And the Razzie goes too… The Last Airbender

                                Thoughts: M. Night didn’t disappoint! The one time Oscar nominee continued his whiplash-inducing decline and took home five spray-painted trophies.

                Worst Actor

       I Predicted: Robert Pattinson, Eclipse and Remember Me

       And the Razzie goes to… Ashton Kutcher, Valentine’s Day and Killers

       Thoughts: Kutcher was a real surprise winner. Who even remembers “Killers” or the fact that Kutch was in “Valentine’s Day?” I thought Pattinson’s teeny-bobber appeal would put a huge target on his back, but Kutch came out of nowhere to take the prize.

                Worst Actress

                                I Predicted: The Cast of Sex and the City 2

                                And the Razzie goes to… The Cast of Sex and the City 2

                                Thoughts: The gals drew a lot of criticism for being too old and for spending money too carelessly in these tough times. I can’t comment on either of those things, but the Razzies like to play outside the box and splitting an award four ways is pretty outside the box.

                Worst Director

                                I Predicted: M. Night Shyamalan

                                And the Razzie goes to… M. Night Shyamalan

                                Thoughts: I’m paraphrasing, but Razzie founder John Wilson noted that the cartoon version of “Airbender” was far more realistic than Shyamalan’s live action version. Can we just officially replace the phrase “punching bag” with “Shyamalan” already?

                Worst Supporting Actor

                                I Predicted: Billy Ray Cyrus, The Spy Next Door

                                And the Razzie goes to… Jackson Rathbone, Eclipse AND The Last Airbender

                                Thoughts: I was hoping that Billy Ray’s recent public criticism of his daughter, Miley, would win him the ire of Razzie voters. That or the fact that he rode a preteen back into the lime light like some kind of fame-addicted parasite. I guess Rathbone starring in two of the worst films of the year is pretty impressive.

Worst Supporting Actress

                   I Predicted: Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day

                   And the Razzie goes to... Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day

                   Thoughts: She was nominated for FOUR separate movies. If the Razzies website were better constructed, I would look to see if that was some kind of record. Sadly… the site is a mess. Certainly it seems like a lot.

                Worst On-Screen Couple

                                I Predicted: The Cast of Sex and the City 2

                                And the Razzie goes to… The Cast of Sex and the City 2

                                Thoughts: I figured if they could pull down a joint Worst Actress trophy, then this category should be no problem. All told, the gals took home three awards.       

                Not bad at all. I’ll take 5 for 7. That’s a solid extra innings day at the plate. Figured I’d work in a little baseball analogy since spring training is upon us once again.

 Also, I snarkily mentioned yesterday that “The King’s Speech” would take home the top honors at last night’s Oscar ceremonies, further proving how out of touch Hollywood is. And lo and behold look who came out on top. So you can go ahead and tack that one on to my total if you’re so inclined.

And I am.

6 for 8. That would make Pete Rose proud. In both the baseball and the gambling sense.

Bumblebee tuna.   

Halloween (2007)

Credentials

25% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 6.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 47 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot

                A hulking behemoth of a serial killer walks out of a mental institution in search of his baby sister. You can’t really say he broke out, because that would imply there was some difficulty involved.  He tracks her down with startling, inexplicable ease and proceeds to kill off a bunch of her friends because… well the reasons aren’t really important or given. At some point the infamous “Halloween” theme plays and all of Rob Zombie’s pals get to add another movie to their IMDB pages.

Thoughts

                I don’t hate Rob Zombie, I just hate what he did to Michael Myers. And the middle hour or so of “The Devil’s Rejects,” but other than all that me and him are cool.  

               Now I’m not going to just compare Zombie’s film to John Carpenter’s because Zombie’s film does a fine job of sucking in its own right, but I will say this. In Carpenter’s version, Michael Myers was a normal kid, with normal parents and a normal suburban life who (spoiler alert to all my readers out there in 1979) one night stabs his sister to death for no reason. No motive, no nothing. That is scary. The idea that anyone, at any time could just snap.        

                Not content to just rely on nature, Zombie turns to nurture for his film. His version of Myers grows up in a bitter and ugly white trash household. Still suburban though for some reason. Didn’t know you could afford a house in the ‘burbs on a stripper’s salary. Noted. Anyway, by the time Zombie’s done detailing Myers horrible, twisted upbringing, it’s pretty easy to understand why Myers became a serial killer. It would have been crazy if he didn’t after all that. And as that element of the unknown goes so goes what made Michael Myers so scary to begin with: the mystery.

                “Halloween (2007)” is a stark tribute to the death of subtlety. The near heart-stopping tension of the original is replaced with ample gore, violence and nudity. And his three leading teenagers are all so painfully loud and annoying that it makes me wonder if there is any hope for our society. Are these kids really our future or is Zombie nuts? I pray for the later or else China, come on down. The world is yours.

                As for the movie’s script, well it is a total disaster. First off, it feels like two smaller movies, ham handedly switching from the story of young Michael in the first half to Laurie Strode in the second half. Then there are the plot holes, which are more like craters. How does Michael know who Laurie is? Say what you will about brotherly love, but I start to forget what my sister looks like if I don’t see her every 15 minutes. Yet Michael knows exactly who his sister is after 15 YEARS and she was only a baby when he last saw her! And by the way, how does he know she’s still living in Haddonfield? I could go on like this as logic has no place in Zombie’s world.

                Even better, you’ll likely need a GPS or at the very least a compass and some knowledge of astral navigation just to keep track of where you and the characters are in the movie. People will just show up places without any rhyme or reason as to how they got there or just where there is anyway. The movie is populated with dimly lit, poorly explained locations. Zombie either skipped the film school lesson on establishing shots or his movie is just too dark for them to be of any use.

                The acting is across the board weak. All of Zombie’s usual cohorts turn in rather blah, shoe-horned-in performances. The usually wonderful Brad Dourif is given nothing to do with his role as Sheriff Bracket. The less said about the teens the better. Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Loomis, while far from the movie’s biggest problem, will make you pine, literally pine for Donald Pleasance. Daeg Faerch, as little Michael Myers is not terrible, which is a huge compliment considering what he has to work with.

                Breakdown

                :01-



Are you allowed to start a movie with a quote from a fictional character?


                :04-



Behold! The origins of... shit pants. Also, this school's bully looks about as intimidating as Corey Matthews



                :07- What do you mean big deal!?! Your son kept a dead cat in his locker! That’s not normal behavior!

                :13- Boy, if Rob Zombie could just make one movie where his wife keeps her clothes on… just one. Must be awkward on the set. “Hey camera guy, make sure you get a good shot of my wife’s boobs. Don’t be afraid to get right up in there…”

              :17-

How drunk do you have to be to not notice this happening?



                :33- Little Michael needs to eat? Look lady, he’s got Alec Baldwin’s head so he’s not exactly wasting away…

                :35- Yeah that makes sense. Give the child serial killer a real knife and fork to eat with. Nothing could possibly go wr… oh. Ooops.



Umm... there's... uh... someone behind you...



Celebrity sighting! Cousin It from TV's "The Addams Family!"



                :50- Why does Michael kill the guy for those overalls? Are insane sociopaths really fashion conscious?

                :52-

Yeah... don't ask.



                1:10-

Hey, hey! Look who it is! He must have taken the last train to Haddonfield. Well that cheers up this... sleepy Jean



                1:14- Tommy Doyle is the only part of “Halloween” that Zombie doesn’t make worse. Lindsey is still annoying though

                1:15-



How the heck does he sneak up on anyone? He's as big as an elephant and as quiet as a sleeping mouse.



                1:18- “Go worship your god?” The TV? Really? Some social commentary from Zombie…

                1:22- Is Michael’s plan to kill every teenage girl in town just to make sure his sister is, in fact, dead?

                1:40- Never mind how Loomis seemed to know exactly where to look to find Laurie, how did he get there? Wasn’t he carpooling with the cop?

                1:47-



Hiding in the walls? That's a paddlin'



                1:52-

Well there's your problem!



                And so there it is, Rob Zombie’s ugly mess of a remake, “Halloween.”

                Yeah, now that's how it's done! Bumblebee tuna.

Battlefield Earth

Credentials

2.4 out of 10, #84 on the Bottom 100 (imdb.com)/ 2% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 9 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

                Nominated for 8 and won 7 Golden Raspberry Awards in 2001, taking home the trophies for Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor (John Travolta), Worst Supporting Actor (Barry Pepper), Worst Supporting Actress (Kelly Preston) and Worst On-Screen Couple (Travolta and anyone sharing the screen with him). Won the Razzie for Worst Drama of Our First 25 Years in 2005 and the Razzie for Worst Picture of the Decade in 2010. Travolta was nominated for Worst Actor of the Decade for his performance in the film, but did not win.

                               Battlefield Earth is “a cross between Star Wars and the smell of ass.” Jon Stewart, The Daily Show 

Plot 

                In the year 3000, Earth has been conquered by a dreadlocked alien species that is sadly not the same dreadlocked alien species which once did battle with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Whereas that species liked cloaking devices and wrist-mounted atomic weapons, this one prefers to constantly bicker amongst themselves and erode their power by randomly backstabbing each other. It’s up to one man to pull humanity back from the brink of extinction and lead the charge against their other worldly oppressors. Or he could just sit back and finish letting them self-destruct on their own.

                Thoughts

                I went into Battlefield Earth a very content and jovial young man. My spirits were high. Not only because of the fact that, in a few short hours, I would be basking in the glow of the very best the NHL has to offer. Not just that. You see, last night I got to bask in the glow of the very best that the chain- restaurant world. That’s right, last night i partook of the wonderful Buffalo Chicken Fajitas from Chili’s. If you’ve never experienced this delight, I urge you to indulge. Little bits of bacon on top of a breaded chicken breast, smothered in buffalo sauce served with fajita shells. It’s as if Mr. Winfred Q. Chili himself used his psychic powers to peek inside my mind for the perfect food.

I don’t even remember what I was supposed to be talking about.

Oh right, Battlefield Earth. At first, I was concerned that my pleasant mood might skewer my ratings, but thankfully this movie is so god-awful that it wasn’t an issue. Too poorly acted, poorly written and directed to be called a good movie and too long, plodding and boring to be enjoyed on a campy level, Battlefield Earth literally has nothing going for it.

Travolta hams it up, decked out in a ridiculous wig, silly makeup and pair of platform boots that would make his Saturday Night Fever self green with envy. Normally, Travolta’s overacting would be more than enough to at least make a movie entertaining, but even that isn’t enough to rescue the meandering script, cheesy-but-not-in-a-fun-way special effects and lame supporting cast.

Battlefield Earth allegedly cost $73 million to produce, some of which came out of Travolta’s own pocket as the noted Scientologist sought to bring the novel by the religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, to life. Where the money went, is hard to determine. I would guess that roughly half went to the wig budget. The rest of it was either burned or spent on Buffalo Chicken Fajitas for the cast and crew. It certainly wasn’t used for the film’s effects or editing, which both seem to have been done by an eighth grader on Windows Movie Maker. Seriously, how does a $73 million Hollywood movie have jump cuts in it? I made (internet) movies with zero dollar budgets that didn’t have jump cuts!

The movie runs slightly less than two hours, but it only feels like a lifetime. Sometime during the second act, you will start counting down the minutes until it mercifully, thankfully ends. Well before that time, you will also likely wonder just how the malevolent aliens, called Psychlos, were able to conquer Earth in nine minutes and hold on to it for a thousand years. They all seem to hate each other and the only time any of them really interact at all is when they are betraying one and other. How could these clowns possibly coordinate a full scale planetary invasion?

Play-By-Play

:03

Really? It's the year 3000 and horses are STILL carrying humans around. Looks like those horse rights groups aren't doing their job.

:06-

It's Viggo Mortensen's half brother, Mortimer Mortensen!

:07-

I'm confused. Are they supposed to be walking down hill? Why is the camera tilted? 

:22-

Hey look Amy Winehouse is in this movie!

:25- Going to hell? Really? Aliens believe in hell, huh? That’s disappointing.

:44-

Yes even fearsome alien warlords will resort to prat falls.

1:06-

Oh great, a lock of Barry Pepper's hair, just what I've always wanted.

1:18- Big fan of the word “smelt.” More words need an “s” at the front of them. Or should I say, at the sfront of them?

1:20- Wait, what happened to their heavy set companion from earlier? Viggo’s half brother Mortimer survives, but that other guy up and disappears?

1:27- This guy is going to fire his wives? Aliens can do that? Not too shabby.

1:35- Apparently all it takes to mold what is essentially a caveman into a world class fighter pilot is a week in a simulator.

1:44- Is it bad that I had no idea what this dome thing that everyone kept talking about was until they actually blew it up?

1:46-

Geez, for a guy who just had his arm blown off, Travolta is pretty calm.

 1:47- Ah yes, our heroes just blew up the Psychlo home planet, killing innocent alien men, alien women, alien children, alien peace-loving hippies, who are ironically the only ones on the planet without dread locks. Good message sent there Hubbard. If some are evil, blow up the whole group.

1:50

Wow, it's like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, if that movie had sucked...

So there it is… Battlefield Earth.

Bumblebee tuna.     

The nominees for the 31st Annual Razzie Awards are...

What would a celebration of Hollywood’s best be without mercilessly raking its worst over the coals a few times for laughs?

The nominations for the 31^st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, aka the Razzies, were announced yesterday, celebrating the absolute worst abominations to crawl their way out of the Hollywood sewer under the cover of darkness this past year.   

Hey, it’s all in good fun and best of all no one gets hurt. This year’s ceremony is being dedicated to Judd Apatow’s sense of humor which sadly passed away this year at the tender age of 43. His sense of humor leaves behind a funny bone that no longer serves any purpose other than to get bashed against things and really, really hurt.

Actually I made that up, but just because it’s made up doesn’t make it not true. Or something like that. Team Ricky! Wooo!

M. Night Shyamlan’s latest debacle “The Last Airbender” and the most recent “Twilight” movie, “Eclipse” each scored nine nominations to lead the pack. All Time Razzie King Sly Stallone picked up his world record 31^st nomination for his work directing “The Expendables.” For those keeping score at home, Stallone has more than twice as many nominations as his nearest competitor, Kevin Costner.  

   Here’s a rundown of the nominees in some of the year’s biggest categories with my predicted… umm… “winners” underlined.

Worst Picture

·         The Bounty Hunter

·         The Last Airbender

·         Sex and the City 2

·         Eclipse

·         Vampires Suck

Worst Actor

·         Jack Black Gulliver’s Travels

·         Gerard Butler The Bounty Hunter

·         Ashton Kutcher Killers and Valentine’s Day

·         Taylor Lautner Eclipse and Valentine’s Day

·         Robert Pattinson Remember Me and Eclipse

Worst Actress

·         Jennifer Aniston The Bounty Hunter and The Switch

·         Miley Cyrus The Last Song

·         The Four Gal Pals Sex and the City 2

·         Megan Fox Jonah Hex

·         Kristen Stewart Eclipse

Worst Supporting Actor

·         Billy Ray Cyrus The Spy Next Door

·         George Lopez Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine’s Day

·         Dev Patel The Last Airbender

·         Jackson Rathbone The Last Airbender and Eclipse

·         Rob Schneider Grown Ups

Worst Supporting Actress

·         Jessica Alba The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day

·         Cher Burlesque

·         Liza Minnelli Sex and the City 2

·         Nicola Peltz The Last Airbender

·         Barbra Streisand Little Fockers

Worst Screen Couple/ Ensemble

·         Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler The Bounty Hunter

·         Josh Brolin’s Face and Megan Fox’s accent Jonah Hex

·         Cast of The Last Airbender

·         Cast of Sex and the City 2

·         Cast of Eclipse

Worst Director

·         Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Vampires Suck

·         Michael Patrick King Sex and the City 2

·         M. Night Shyamalan The Last Airbender

·         David Slade Eclipse

·         Sly Stallone The Expendables

For a full list of all of this year’s nominees, click here.

The 31^st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards will be held on February 26, 2011, at the Barnsdall Gallery Theatre in Hollywood, California. As per Razzies tradition, the nomination ceremony and the awards ceremony each precede their Academy Awards counterpart by one day.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Gigli

Credentials

2.4 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 7% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com).

 Nominated for NINE Razzies and won SIX at the 24^th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Became the first film ever to take home all of the “top” Razzie Awards by winning Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Ben Affleck), Worst Actress (Jennifer Lopez), Worst Screen Couple (Affleck & Lopez), Worst Screenplay and Worst Director (both by Martin Brest, who also co-produced it). The following year it was named “Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years” by the Golden Raspberry Awards.

Plot

A bad-tempered, horribly ineffective mobster (with a heart of gold!) named Gigli (Affleck) kidnaps the mentally-handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of a high ranking judge for some reason. Along the way, he gets saddled with a partner (Jennifer Lopez) to help him suck less at his job. Turns out that she’s good-natured (yes), allegedly effective (but really not) and a lesbian (sorta?). Soon they all become best pals and 90 minutes later the movie ends and nothing gets resolved.

Thoughts

Oh “Gigli!” The movie that sent J-Lo to TV, forced Ben Affleck behind the camera and somehow landed Justin Bartha a gig in the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, “The Hangover.” Don’t remember him? That’s because he played the fourth friend, you know, the guy who gets (SPOILER ALERT) locked on the roof and forgotten about while his friends go out and recap the craziest night of their lives.

           So what’s wrong with “Gigli?” For starters the story is a mess and the laughs are few and far between. As I mentioned earlier, nothing really gets resolved by the time the credits roll. Things just happen occasionally, a main character gets inexplicably shot in the head and we all just sort of move on. The guy responsible for this, who is supposed to be some sort of threat, is easily outsmarted and we all just sort of move on. The characters all become best friends and then some for… you guessed it… some reason! J-Lo’s tough as nails lesbian falls for Affleck’s… hair gel and spray tan? I’m not sure what else he bought to the role, I’m sorry. Maybe it was his character’s homosexual undertones that came very close to becoming overtones. Either way, if I was a lesbian, this would offend the crap out of me.

And how about that acting! Affleck’s tough guy with a heart of gold is sort of a huge jerk for long stretches of the movie, occasionally becoming massively unlikable. This is a problem. His New York accent is spotty, which is fine because he’s not from there. J-Lo, on the other hand, was born in New York and made a living selling a certain image of herself and yet the accent sounds like it belongs to a cartoon mob boss. What up with that?

Justin Bartha clearly prepared for his role by locking himself in a dark, windowless room and watching Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” over and over again. He must have worn out several DVDs because I kept waiting for that pivotal scene where he climbs a water tower and someone asks “Where’s Arnie?”       

The acting’s not all bad thanks to the great Christopher Walken who literally stops by for a cup of coffee while going on and on about pie.

 Another legend, Al Pacino, shows up briefly with a crazy hair do and shouts a lot. You know, the usual.

Someone should have taken the shears to this movie because it does not need to be two hours long. There are long, self-aggrandizing scenes where we’re supposed to look at the stars and say: “oh how cute!” J-Lo gives as painfully long speech selling the values of lesbianism while doing yoga in front of a stone-faced Affleck. It’s as if the plot went out for coffee with Walken for 10 minutes.     

Play-By-Play

:13- This comedy is really depressing the hell out of me. Isn’t that the very definition of epic fail?

:15-

 

This is exactly how normal people behave when they ask to use a stranger's telephone, right?



:33-

The movie just got so much better...

:36- Altruism? Absconded? It sounds like the whole script was written using a “Word of the Day” calendar.

:37- Walken’s big speech about pies is insane, even by his standards and it almost makes the movie worth watching. Almost.

:38

And there it goes...

:44- So you do plan on having some comedy in you comedy movie? Right? Hello?

:58- Has anyone seen the plot? I feel like it was here a few minutes ago and then J-Lo started doing yoga and everything stopped moving…

1:06-

J-Lo just stepped out of the shower here and yet bone dry! I think someone needs to call a plumber...

1:13-

Somehow I don't think that a plastic knife would be very good at cutting off a person's finger... 

1:33-  



Shouting and acting are NOT the same thing Al! Also, notice how the number of tabs I have open increases as the movie goes along?



And now for another round of What Up With Ben Affleck?

               Ladies and gentlemen, Bennifers if you please: “Gigli.” Can I also say this? People don’t like movies with confusing or hard to pronounce titles. It really kills the word of mouth when you spend 10 minutes dancing around the plot because you can’t remember if the title is pronounced “jiggly” or not.
              
               And now for a little Christopher Walken to take us home. Keep in mind that this somehow manages to make less sense if you see it in context in the movie.

                Bumblebee tuna.