Review: Street Fighter (1994)

Credentials: 13%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.4 out of 10 (Imdb.com)

Plot: A crazed dictator by the name of… M. Bison (WTF?, played by Raul Julia) kidnaps a bunch of Red Cross-types and threatens to kill them unless the rest of the world pays… ONE MILL… oh wait. I mean TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS! It’s up to Col. Guile (Jean Claude Van Damme) and his team of martial arts experts and Australian pop stars (Kylie Minogue) to kick a lot of butt, take a lot of names and--- most importantly--- drop a TON of one liners. Are they up the task? I can say that, at least as far as the last one is concerned, hell yeah!     

Why it stinks: “Street Fighter” has exactly TWO things going for it. The first is the virtually never-ending stream of mostly-hilarious one-liners the characters speak in instead of, you know, actual dialogue. The second is the crazed, scenery gnawing performance of the late, great Raul Julia.

                Without them, I’m not sure I would have made it.

                Now, I’ve never played any of the “Street Fighter” games which this movie was based on, which may have caused me to miss some of the story’s finer points. But I doubt it.

                Everything’s pretty cliché. Basically, it’s your average story of boy meets maniac dictator, boy must stop maniac dictator, etc. Throw in a lot of over-the-top fight scenes and you’ve got the picture.

                     Maybe if I had played the games, I would have cared more about the film’s laundry list of good guys. I mean my god how many good guys does one movie need? I can’t tell you how many heroes got a substantial amount of screen time (seemed like around a dozen), but I can tell you how many of their names I know: two. Guile and Ryu. All the rest combined to form a nameless, faceless blob of heroism.     

                 It didn’t matter. I was rooting for Bison the whole time anyway. Raul Julia is just having way too much fun hamming it up while saying things like “superconductor electromagnetism” to root for anyone else.

                Side note: What the hell kind of name is Bison anyway?

                Not only did I never get into the “Street Fighter” games, I also missed out on the Jean Claude Van Damme phase as well. I could never look at him as anything but an extremely poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.

                He just doesn’t do it for me. He’s got the goofy accent and huge guns, but he lacks Arnie’s charisma.

                  The actions scenes are OK, but nothing special. Lots of blah martial arts gibberish and spin kicks. None of them managed to distinguish themselves outside of the film’s aerial climatic battle. That was pretty darn alright… cuz Bison was there.

Worst of the worst

                Oh no you don’t Jean Claude Van Damme. You do NOT get to steal Arnie’s catchphrases! “I need a vacation” belongs to “Terminator 2.” Find your own quips.  

Video evidence

                Bumblebee tuna.

BloodRayne

Credentials

     2.7 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 4% certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com). Nominated for 5 Razzies at the 2007 Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Picture. Won nothing.

Plot

     Rayne is a half human, half vampire who doesn’t like vampires because they killed her mom. She embarks on an epic quest to rid the world of blood suckers once and for all. Then Stephen Dorff shows up and Rayne gets sent to prison for tax evasion. Oh wait. I’m thinking of “Blade.” Hmm. Basically “BloodRayne” is exactly like “Blade.” If “Blade” were set in medieval times and made by a guy wearing a blindfold, ear plugs and hopped up on a case of Mountain Dew.

Thoughts

      I was a big fan of the “BloodRayne” videogame game way back in 2002. From what I recall, the game involved killing Nazis, vampires and mutants in clever and gory ways. Rayne’s backstory, as I pointed out above, isn’t all that original or interesting, but the WWII setting and the supernatural Nazi story line were all kinds of fun. And the gameplay was top notch.

             When I heard that a movie was coming out based on the game, I was skeptical. There have been few successful transitions from the game console to the big screen. When I heard Uwe Boll was going to direct, my skepticism turned into outright nausea.

              Boll has been dubbed the modern day Ed Wood due to his string of low budget, horribly bad horror movies. This comparison, while amusing, isn’t exactly accurate. See, Wood’s movies, for all their gapping flaws, are fun. There’s a delirious energy coursing through disasterpieces like “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”

No such energy exists in Boll’s movies. There’s no joy to be found anywhere in the sullen “BloodRayne,” which for some reason is set in the days of knights instead of Nazis.

              Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, the T-X from “Terminator 3,” the singer Meat Loaf. How can you make a cast like that look bad? Boll finds a way. Except for Meat Loaf. He comes out fine.  

              The worst of the worst in terms of acting is perpetrated by Michelle Rodriguez. She doesn’t quite pull off the old English accent. She ends up carefully and slowly pronouncing each and every syllable of every word as if she’d never used them before. 

              Tired action scenes, cheap special effects, MTV style editing. An abundance of confusing sexuality. The “BloodRayne” characters make the “Jersey Shore” kids look like nuns.

The movie runs a scant 90 minutes, but it feels longer. Much longer.       

The end makes no sense and for some reason Boll decides to include a recap of the film’s events in case you’d forgotten. Or wanted to see them again. I can assure you there’s almost no way it’s the latter.

Breakdown

:14-

Why yes ladies, I was in "Titanic." What? No, I don't bloody well know where Leo is!

:23-

It seems like no matter who is ruling the planet (people, zombies, vampires, apes, ect.) horses always end up doing all the dirty work. Where's the movie with the horses running the show?

:34-

You ever notice how sword fighting in movies looks so natural? Yeah, not so much here.

:34-

Who the heck taught Michael Madsen how to hold a sword?

:52-

Well, this movie isn't going anywhere. Let's play another round of "Who Does This Guy Look Like?"

1:10-

Is it me or does Michelle Rodirguez's costume no longer seem to fit the time period?

1:16-

Don't worry TV's MacGuyver will save the day!

1:19-

NHL analyst Brian Engblom!

1:22- 

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "American Pie," Sean William Scott!

1:27-

BloodRayne went on to have a successful career in the "Got Blood?" advertising campaign.



1:29-

And now a special guest appearance by NFL superstar Tom Brady!

                So there you go. “BloodRayne,” the first of what I can only assume will a long list of Uwe Boll films to make the cut. Germany’s Ed Wood? Maybe one day, if he buckles down and tries really, really hard. Over 50 years later, we’re still watching, laughing with--- and at--- Wood’s movies. Boll can only hope to be so lucky.

                Bumblebee tuna.