Review: House of the Dead

Credentials: 4% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 15 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / 2.0 out of 10, #53 on Bottom 100 List (Imdb.com)

Plot: Various twentysomethings hear tell of a huge, crazy rave going down on a deserted island. Of course, when they arrive, they find the island isn’t really all that deserted after all. It’s inhabited by the reanimated corpses of Spanish sailors who died hundreds of years earlier. As is often the case with reanimated corpses, if they bite you, you turn into one of them. Along for the ride to help our twentysomethings survive are a crazy boat captain (Jurgen Prochnow), his crazy first mate (Clint Howard) and a pretty blonde coast guard officer (Ellie Cornell)… who might just be crazy.

Why it stinks: Uwe Boll.

                What? You want more than that? What more do you need than the psychotic German director behind such other craptastic wonders as “BloodRayne” and “Alone in the Dark.”

                And as awful as those movies are, “House of the Dead” is worse. Way worse.

                Thanks to some bizarre editing decisions, “House of the Dead” comes dangerously close to mimicking the severe boredom that comes with watching someone else play a videogame. The movie’s full of random videogame effects and even clips for god sakes. 

                Also, it seems like Boll was going through a bit of a Wachowski phase, or perhaps in his addled brain he thought he was the third sibling. Lana, Andy and Uwe. Either way, “House of the Dead” makes liberal use of “Matrix” staples like the 360 spinning cameras, bullet-dodging slow mo, etc. Yawn. Been there done that already Bollsy.

                Now, I know this movie is trash and you’re not supposed to pay attention to small details like this, but I can’t help it. Our twentysomethings come to this deserted island for a weekend long rave with nothing but the clothes on their backs. NOTHING! No change of clothes, no tent, no sleeping bags. Not a single luxury. Like Uwe Boll in an intro to film class, they’re as unprepared as can be! As unprepared as can be!       

                Come on people. You couldn’t have had one of the guys carrying a backpack or something? Just sell it a little bit. Put a modicum of effort into your movie.

                The acting, the story, it’s all contrived gibberish.

I refuse to address any of the rest of the actors by name, because they all stink. There’s one sentence that pretty much sums up how awful “House of the Dead” is: Clint Howard is by far the best part of the movie.

                Somewhere Ron Howard just started vomiting uncontrollably.

Worst of the worst

    

            Probably the big shootout scene on the front lawn of the house of the dead. Oh yes, the dead actually have a house in this movie. And you thought it was just a cheap line for the title. Anyway, that’s were Boll goes full Wachowski on all our butts. He pretty much manages to capture all the worst parts of “Matrix” 2 and 3 minus the philosophizing.

Video Evidence

                And there you have “House of the Dead.” Bumblebee tuna.      

Alone in the Dark

Credentials: 1% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / Named the 15^th Worst Reviewed Movie of the 2000s (Rottentomatoes.com) / 2.3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / #80 on the Bottom 100 List (Imdb.com) / 9 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nominated for 2 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Director- Uwe Boll and Worst Actress- Tara Reid), won 0

Plot: Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator hot on the trail of an ancient, demon-worshipping civilization which rumor has it is trying to take over the world. At their disposal is an army of possessed zombie-type things and some mostly invisible monsters with big, scorpion tails. Luckily for humanity Carnby isn’t alone in his quest to save the world. Standing by his side is the greatest archaeologist the world has ever seen... Indiana… oh wait what? It’s Tara Reid? Are you serious? Jesus Christ we’re screwed. All hail our ancient, demon-worshipping overlords! Hail!

Thoughts: “Alone in the Dark” has very little going for it.

For starters, it’s very, VERY loosely based on a videogame franchise. At last count there has been exactly ONE successful videogame-to-movie transition and that was “Resident Evil.” And heck, only the first “Resident Evil” movie was any good, the other three have been “Cheese List” material.

Then there’s the fact that Tara Reid plays a scientist, which is automatically the least believable thing in the movie. It doesn’t matter what else goes down (pigs flyin’, Johnny Depp made up to look unattractive), Tara Reid as a brainy, science type just requires too much suspension of disbelief for this guy.

But really, the biggest problems with “Alone in the Dark” all started behind the camera.

Ladies and gentlemen, Uwe Boll, or as some call him: Germany’s answer to Ed Wood. I don’t believe that comparison for a second, however. Ed Wood made entertainingly bad movies. Boll makes unwatchable garbage.

Once again, he’s crafted a movie so joyless and uninteresting that it’s not even fun to laugh at.

Boll is notorious for making movies on the cheap and with huge stars like Tara Reid and Christian Slater on the bill, it seems like his effects budget got slashed all to hell. So, he overcompensates by making his movie really dark. And not in the Edgar Allen Poe sense either. It’s dark in the: “I can’t tell what’s going on” sense.

Whenever you do happen to catch a glimpse of the monsters, it’s not impressive.

For an action movie, “Alone in the Dark” is pretty light on the action. There are a handful of horribly clichéd fight scenes, but again, they’re so dark you’re basically just listening to the bullets fly.

Usually with movies like “Alone in the Dark,” I do a lot of complaining about how there’s no story or nothing happens. That is NOT the case here.

 “Alone in the Dark” has enough story to cover three or four movies. Not good movies, mind you, but movies nonetheless.

The script by Elan Mastai and Boll veterans Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer has a crap ton going on. I mean how many movies can features zombies, monsters, possession and a demon-worshipping cult?

It’s a lot to keep track of. Fortunately, the movie opens with a laughably long scroll to help to explain it all. It’s basically a term paper. The thing is so long that it’s like someone took the opening scrolls from all six “Star Wars” movies and played them one after another.

And then there’s our leading man Edward Carnby (Slater). He wears a trench coat, has some shady government connections and a very serious demeanor. Problem is, he’s not very likable and no one really believes he knows what he’s doing or talking about at any given second. Basically, if Fox Mulder and Zack Baggins had a baby, that baby would grow up to be Edward Carnby.

Breakdown

:02- An Uwe Boll Film? Typo in the credits, off to a great start

:18- What? 18 minutes?? It feels like an hour at least! Did this timer stop working or what?

:33- I can honestly say that I have NO CLUE what is going on

:52- Big guns and mindless heavy metal music? What a unique idea!

1:12- “Bureau 713” isn’t quite as catchy as, you know, “the X-Files”

Video Evidence

  

Horrible acted, overwritten and poorly directed: Uwe Boll’s “Alone in the Dark.” Now don’t tell him I said any of this though, or he might try to box me. Because that’s how adults act.

Bumblebee tuna.

BloodRayne

Credentials

     2.7 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 4% certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com). Nominated for 5 Razzies at the 2007 Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Picture. Won nothing.

Plot

     Rayne is a half human, half vampire who doesn’t like vampires because they killed her mom. She embarks on an epic quest to rid the world of blood suckers once and for all. Then Stephen Dorff shows up and Rayne gets sent to prison for tax evasion. Oh wait. I’m thinking of “Blade.” Hmm. Basically “BloodRayne” is exactly like “Blade.” If “Blade” were set in medieval times and made by a guy wearing a blindfold, ear plugs and hopped up on a case of Mountain Dew.

Thoughts

      I was a big fan of the “BloodRayne” videogame game way back in 2002. From what I recall, the game involved killing Nazis, vampires and mutants in clever and gory ways. Rayne’s backstory, as I pointed out above, isn’t all that original or interesting, but the WWII setting and the supernatural Nazi story line were all kinds of fun. And the gameplay was top notch.

             When I heard that a movie was coming out based on the game, I was skeptical. There have been few successful transitions from the game console to the big screen. When I heard Uwe Boll was going to direct, my skepticism turned into outright nausea.

              Boll has been dubbed the modern day Ed Wood due to his string of low budget, horribly bad horror movies. This comparison, while amusing, isn’t exactly accurate. See, Wood’s movies, for all their gapping flaws, are fun. There’s a delirious energy coursing through disasterpieces like “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”

No such energy exists in Boll’s movies. There’s no joy to be found anywhere in the sullen “BloodRayne,” which for some reason is set in the days of knights instead of Nazis.

              Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, the T-X from “Terminator 3,” the singer Meat Loaf. How can you make a cast like that look bad? Boll finds a way. Except for Meat Loaf. He comes out fine.  

              The worst of the worst in terms of acting is perpetrated by Michelle Rodriguez. She doesn’t quite pull off the old English accent. She ends up carefully and slowly pronouncing each and every syllable of every word as if she’d never used them before. 

              Tired action scenes, cheap special effects, MTV style editing. An abundance of confusing sexuality. The “BloodRayne” characters make the “Jersey Shore” kids look like nuns.

The movie runs a scant 90 minutes, but it feels longer. Much longer.       

The end makes no sense and for some reason Boll decides to include a recap of the film’s events in case you’d forgotten. Or wanted to see them again. I can assure you there’s almost no way it’s the latter.

Breakdown

:14-

Why yes ladies, I was in "Titanic." What? No, I don't bloody well know where Leo is!

:23-

It seems like no matter who is ruling the planet (people, zombies, vampires, apes, ect.) horses always end up doing all the dirty work. Where's the movie with the horses running the show?

:34-

You ever notice how sword fighting in movies looks so natural? Yeah, not so much here.

:34-

Who the heck taught Michael Madsen how to hold a sword?

:52-

Well, this movie isn't going anywhere. Let's play another round of "Who Does This Guy Look Like?"

1:10-

Is it me or does Michelle Rodirguez's costume no longer seem to fit the time period?

1:16-

Don't worry TV's MacGuyver will save the day!

1:19-

NHL analyst Brian Engblom!

1:22- 

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "American Pie," Sean William Scott!

1:27-

BloodRayne went on to have a successful career in the "Got Blood?" advertising campaign.



1:29-

And now a special guest appearance by NFL superstar Tom Brady!

                So there you go. “BloodRayne,” the first of what I can only assume will a long list of Uwe Boll films to make the cut. Germany’s Ed Wood? Maybe one day, if he buckles down and tries really, really hard. Over 50 years later, we’re still watching, laughing with--- and at--- Wood’s movies. Boll can only hope to be so lucky.

                Bumblebee tuna.