Review: Piranha 3DD

Credentials: 14%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 4.3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 24 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: So there’s this water park run by a douchebag (David Koechner, dude has been so typecast) where the lifeguards aren’t just lifeguards, but strippers, as well! For some reason, this is also a water park where families like to hang out. Dunno. Anyway, the prehistoric, carnivorous fishies from part one eventually show up and crash opening day, eating a bunch of people and whatnot. There’s A TON of other stuff going on: the douche bag’s step daughter (Danielle Panabaker) is involved in a massively uninteresting love triangle, her best friend (Katrina Bowden) is somehow struggling to get a guy, any guy, to have sex with her (really dunno), there’s some conspiracy thing involving the local police, etc. It’s all going on, but it’s not worth our time or attention… whoops. Let’s move on.

Why it stinks: Damn you, “Pirahna 3DD.” Damn you.

                Damn you for making me say this: I miss Alexandre Aja.

                Aja. My archnemesis. The director of duds such as “The Hills Have Eyes” and “Haute Tension” (if you’re pretentious). He also lucked into making the shockingly entertaining “Piranha 3D.” Sure, it could have been better (put Eli Roth behind the camera for starters), but still I had fun with it.

                Now, after seeing the Aja-less sequel, I really miss that crazy, French son of a gun, because “Piranha 3DD” awful.

                I guess it should have been pretty obvious from the title and casting decisions (Hasselhoff and Busey in the same movie?), but "P3DD" is trying really, really hard to be a screwy horror comedy.

                 Trouble is, once you start burning that many calories trying to make people laugh, usually the opposite starts to happen. There's still a good deal of nudity, blood and guts, it's just not as much fun this time around.

                Now look, I know Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan are the writers-du-jour of the horror genre nowadays, given the success they had keeping the “Saw” franchise afloat and profitable for seven films despite the fact its star madman died in part three.

            The two are good, sometimes very good (“Saw 6”), at what they do, but they aren’t comedy writers. They're totally out of their element writing "P3DD." They try to recreate the slapstick, over-the-top spirit of the original, but end up rehashing a bunch of tired gags and adding some sad attempts at humor of their own.

That leaves noted hack and replacement director John Gulager (“Feast”) to rely on so-so (at best) comedy actors and a fistful of C-list cameos to do all the heavy-lifting.

             I mean, for the love of god, J.D.’s future son from “Scrubs” has a STARRING role in this movie. Starring! I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how I knew him, then I remembered this:

             And for shame, “Piranha 3DD.” You took the lovely and lovable Katrina Bowden and saddled her with the most useless and nonsensical storyline in the movie.

Spoiler Alert, here people. Be warned.

Am I to honestly believe that a piranha swam up her lady parts, lived inside her for several days and then emerged right while she was about to have sex with a guy? And that she was totally unharmed by any part of this experience?

End spoiler.

That’s really stupid.

See, the first “Piranha” was mostly entertaining stupid, the sequel is just stupid stupid.

I’ve already discussed the needlessly busy storyline, but my god. There’s so much going on and none of it is interesting. As a result, all of the piranha action gets crammed in near the end. And when the fish finally attack, it hardly lives up to the part one massacre. It’s all just very blah. Not fun, not squirm-inducing. Just there, happening.

Despite the fact that it’s grossy overwritten, “Piranha 3DD” lays claim to a cool 96 minute run time. Allegedly. The movie is really only 70 minutes long, with some unfunny bloopers and an equally unfunny fake commercial slowing down the end credits, adding on nearly 26 minutes!

70 minutes. Glad I skipped this one in theaters. 

Worst of the worst

See: Spoilers above. That scene had my cursor careening towards the stop button. 

Gulager, Melton, Dunstan. Congrats. You’ve made me appreciate Alexandre Aja. I’m not sure how to handle this. Maybe I’ll make like Sam Jackson at the end of “Pulp Fiction.” Wander the countryside, have adventures.

Or maybe I’ll just re-watch the last 20 minutes of “Haute Tension” and get my mind right.

Bumblebee tuna.

News: Trailer round-up

                Not much news worth mentioning, so how’s about a quick roundup of some crappy-looking new trailers? Sure, who wouldn’t want that for their Wednesday evening? Stay inside, avoid the lovely weather and park yourself down in front of the computer for some gibberish. The good life.  

                Well, let’s start with the new trailer for the Farrelly brothers take on “The Three Stooges.”

                The first one was wholly unimpressive and it’s good to see the lads are consistent. This new trailer is also very unimpressive.

                There’s loads of slapstick violence that just somehow lacks the charm of the original. Also, this new trailer seems to have swapped Sofia Vergera in for Kate Upton. I guess depending on your preference, that’s either a good thing. Kind of a push really.

                Oh well, it looks awful so let’s all not see it.

                And then we’ve got the red band “Piranha 3DD” trailer. This is pretty much the exact same thing as the first trailer for “Piranha 3DD” except it features a lot of… hmm… not sure if I’m allowed to say this word on the internet, but I’ll try… boobies.

                Hopefully that word didn’t get censored. As of now, a SWAT team hasn’t come crashing in through my window which means Rick Santorum isn’t president yet and the internet is still a bastion of freedom and immorality. Like god intended.

                Anyway, I’ve been over my feelings on this movie. Not all that interested anymore. But hey, can you believe “The Dark Knight Rises” comes out this year? I know! So awesome!

                Here’s the trailer for that. 

   

                Source: Youtube

News: Piranhas, centipedes... and uh Twitter. Oh my!

filmdrunk.uproxx.com

Ugh… “Human Centipede 3” news

                What’s there left to say about “Human Centipede” director Tom Six that hasn’t already been said about a backed-up septic system… or milk left out under the scorching July sun?

                Let’s get this over with. The guy behind the low-budget, gross-out series took to Twitter--- they’ll let just anyone on Twitter these days--- to shed some light on the third and god-willing final chapter of the “Centipede” saga. 

                Six said: “#humancentipede3 will have a 500+ person pede. XXXXL American style!” He added that it “will feature a porn-style centipede the size of one of those porn star sex competitions.”

                Of course it will. After the hurricane of gross that was part 2, man needed to top himself somehow. My guess is for part 4, Six is just going to show up in theaters and take a dump in audience member’s popcorn.

                To the handful of people who support this man, enjoy. You’ve earned it.

                Source: Joblo

‘Piranha’ finally gets official release date!

                I’ve been over my thoughts about Dimension’s idiotic decision to delay the release of “Piranha 3DD” already.

                Well, the thing finally has an official release date: June 1.

                When “Piranha” was due to come out in November, I was excited. Now it’s scheduled to come out about a month and a half before “The Dark Knight Rises.” Needless to say, my obsessive personality is a little occupied with that film.

                Also, I’m not sure how wise it is to try to open a John Gulager movie in the summer. Better to just fly him under the radar, but what do I know?

                MEH, either way you ruined it for me Dimension. I should have seen this three or four times by now, instead I’ll only see it once, Sad times.

                Source: Shock Til You Drop   

News: New ‘Piranha 3DD’ trailer!!!

The latest trailer for “Piranha 3DD” just hit the interlink and it features pretty much exactly what you would expect from a film with that title… namely scantily clad lady types, lots of gore, cheesy humor and a guy with two shotguns for legs.

                Well, I guess the title really doesn’t prepare you for that last one.

                Either way, “Piranha 3DD” was one of my most anticipated movies of LAST year, and was high on my list for this year… until now.

                This new trailer. Ehhhh. “Piranha 3DD” seems to have turned the corner from “so bad it’s hilariously good” territory and did a belly flop right in “flat out bad” territory.

                I mean, I don’t care either way, I’m still going to watch the stupid thing, it’s what god put me on this planet to do. I’m just not all that excited about it anymore.

                The trailer seems to hint that the lovely Katrina Bowden won't make it. First something attacks her while she’s swimming and then later something moves under her skin while she’s in bed with some dude. WTF? Maybe... hopefully it's some sort of dream sequence (probably). Although hearing Christopher Lloyd’s piranha expert explain how a fish survived while living inside of a person would be very interesting.

                Also, is that a zombie Gary Busy eating a piranha at the 1:32 mark?

                Like I said, I’ll still see it, but I now expect to be more annoyed than entertained. Hey, studios! This is why you don’t play games with release dates! You had the public hooked and instead of reeling them in, you messed around and then you lost ’em.

                I make no apologies for the fishing puns. “Piranha 3DD” hits theaters April 5, 2012.

                Source: Youtube  

News: ‘Piranha’ safe + duo back for more 'Activity'

‘Piranha’ safe and sound?
              
                Breathe easy America, rest your troubled brows. For the moment, all is well. Birds are chirping, bees are buzzing and moose are doing whatever it is they do. Moosing.

                The thing we most feared, a direct-to-DVD release for “Piranha 3DD,” has been avoided.

                John Gulager, the film’s director, has confirmed “Piranha” will indeed see the insides of theaters all across this great and wonderful land of ours at some point during the spring of 2012. A little early for Oscar season, but it’s OK, we’ll make do.

                Gulager claims an outbreak of “winter” delayed the production, which in turned made the film’s original November release date downright unrealistic. He pointed out it would have been cruel to ask a bunch of bikini-clad coeds to frolic around in freezing cold water for hours on end. I guess.

Not sure why someone couldn’t just say all this sooner and save me, Rick Santorum and the rest of this country a lot of sleepless nights.

                Read the rest of what he had to say here.

                Of course, this is all coming from John Gulager, the crazy guy from the third season of “Project Greenlight” who kept trying to put his dad in everything. So take it for what it’s worth.

                Source: Collider

upi.com

‘PA3’ duo maybe back for ‘PA4’

                Sometime after the first “Paranormal Activity” came out, I loudly proclaimed how it was awesome and there’s no need for a sequel. In fact, any attempt at a sequel would surely fail in resounding fashion.

                Then “Paranormal Activity 2” came out and was right on par with the first. Naturally, I announced they got lucky, but surely if they press on and go for part three, their luck will run out.

                 And then “Paranormal Activity 3” came out and was also really good and enjoyable, so now as part four looms on the horizon, well I don’t know what to think.               

                That’s just my long-winded way of saying Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, directors of “Paranormal Activity 3” are back and ready to tackle part four, making them the franchise’s first ever repeat directors.

            Bold move. It’s like playing Russian roulette and pulling the trigger twice.

If you ask me, this franchise has been on borrowed time for a while now. It seems inevitable that eventually the filmmakers are going to look down and realize they ran out of highway several miles back. And from there it’s a long way down. Just ask the coyote.

Will it be Joost and Schulman giving the sad wave before taking the plunge? Will “Paranomrmal Activity 4” be their Roadrunner?

Find out on Oct. 19, 2012.

Source: First Showing

News: 'Manos' is back, but bad times for piranhas

totalfilm.tumblr.com

‘Piranha’ headed to DVD?

            First “Piranha 3DD” was pulled from Dimension’s fall schedule and not given a new, definitive release date.

Now it looks like there’s more bad news on the way for our beloved and wholly misunderstood little fishies, this time it’s courtesy of our friends from across the pond.

The British Video Association has announced the film won’t be hitting theaters EVER in the U.K. and will instead be heading right to DVD/Blu-Ray on March 19.

A straight to DVD release for “Piranha 3DD,” which promises to be one of the defining films of this or any generation. The horror. It’s like taping a “kick me” sign on the pope for god sakes! Have you no respect?

Still, there’s some hope. There’s been no official word yet on whether this cruel fate also awaits “Piranha” on this side of the pond. Dimension hasn’t said much other than the movie will come out “sometime in 2012.”

From here on out, it’s just a waiting game.

Until then, rewatch the film’s majestic first trailer again and again. Remember the good times. Stay strong and keep your head held high. Ving Rhames and his shotgun legs would have wanted it that way.

Source: Bad Movie Nite

‘Manos: The SEQUEL’ actually happening!

            Well, it’s good to see there’s some good news on this bleak Tuesday in January.

            “Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge, the sequel to the 1966 cult classic “Manos: The Hands of Fate,” is actually a go! So sayeth its creator, Rupert Talbot Munch Sr.

            Fangoria Magazine recently caught up with Munch, who started making “The Search for Valley Lodge” way back in 2008 on a dare. Seems, he’s still working on it. He’s got a cast and everything.

Returning from the first film are Tom Neyman, who will be reprising his role as “The Master,” and Jackey Raye Neyman-Jones who returns as “Debbie.”

Munch Sr. will be stepping into the large prosthetic knees of “Torgo,” replacing the deceased John Reynolds who portrayed the satyr/hotel day manager in the original.

Former WWE superstar Gene Snitsky and former WWE diva/Playboy Playmate Maria Kanellis are also on board to lend some muscle and a pretty face respectively, though I won’t say which is bringing what.

            The original film is widely considered to be one of, if not THE worst movie of all time, so naturally a sequel was in order… a scant 46 years later.

 You can check out my review of “Manos: The Hand of Fate” right here.

            Source: Arrow in the Head

News: Busey talks 'Piranha' plus 'Cheese in Theaters'

mamapop.com

Busey talks ‘Piranha 3DD’

            Hold the phone Mabel!

When did this happen? Gary Busey is in “Piranha 3DD?” Be still my beating heart!

I can’t believe I missed the fact that one of the craziest people on the planet is starring in one of the craziest-looking movies of all time!

And not only is the former star of “I’m With Busey” in the darn thing, but he’s talking about it as well! It’s all almost too much to handle. I’m just… I’m just a little lost for words right now, so let’s have the man himself enlighten you a little about his character in the film:

“I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You'll see how I treat one of them.”

Of course he’s playing a farmer who pals around with a cow renowned for its farting ability! Duh! What else would he be playing? A cop or something? Pishaw. This is Gary Freakin’ Busey we’re talking about. I’d expect no less.

God only knows how much of this will actually be in the final film when it hits theaters, whenever that is, but let’s just keep our fingers crossed and hope all of it makes the cut.

Source: Arrow in the Head

Cheese in Theaters

                Well, it’s that time of year again, when Hollywood starts pumping out its Oscar bait dramas and heart-warming family tales. Or as I call it: the slow season.

                Only one new movie scored a “Rotten” grade on Rottentomatoes.com this week. The rest of the new releases were all over 70%, many of them in the high 90’s. What am I supposed to do with that caliber of movie?

                Anyway, here’s this week’s one stinker:  

                The Legend of Pale Male- 56% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: An “inspiring” documentary about a hawk that takes up residence in New York City. While there, he becomes a symbol of perseverance and tourists flock from all over the world to catch a glipse at the bird affectionately known as “Pale Male.”

                Critics said: “(Director Frederic) Lilien proves wholly uninterested in investigating his human subjects' habit of vigorously anthropomorphizing, and projecting their personal hopes, dreams, fears, and Daddy issues onto the striking hawk.”- Nick Schager, Village Voice

News: More 'Transformers' and number talk, less killer fish

DocumentingReality.com

‘Transporter’ to ‘Transformers?’

The rumors are all over the interweb: Jason Statham is being considered to play the lead in the upcoming “Transformers” sequels.

Let’s start with the fact that--- much like Chewbacca living on Endor--- this does NOT make sense! Why on god’s green Earth would you put Jason Statham in a “Transformers” movie?

Sure, on the surface a potential marriage between Michael Bay and the star of the laughably over-the-top “Crank” series seems like a match made in heaven. But let’s dig a little deeper.

Statham is known for two things: Kicking the crap out of bad guys and driving the beejesus out of really cool cars. In the “Transformers” universe the bad guys are all either robots or McDreamy from “Grey’s Anatomy” and the cars drive themselves. Doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot for him to do there.

This is all a lot of talk at this point. Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg aren’t even officially back on board yet.   

Still, I love Jason Statham and if he’s (allegedly) in and Shia’s (supposedly) out, I might actually look forward to the next “Transformers” movie for reasons other than mocking it. We’ll see…

Source: Joblo

brideonfire.tumblr.com

‘Piranha’ gets pushed back, nation mourns

                Ladies and gentlemen, Dimension Films has canceled the late November release date of “Piranha 3DD,” and pushed it back until… gasp!… until “sometime in 2012.”  

Please stand, remove your hats and join me in a moment of silence, in remembrance of our flesh-eating, aquatic friends.

And now a little mood music.

Dimension gave no word on why they pushed the film back, but usually this kind of thing is never a good sign.

“Piranha 3DD” was easily my most anticipated movie of the fall/winter. I’m not sure who should feel worse about that statement: me or Hollywood. Either way, I’ll be taking the next several months off from work and heading up to the studio’s New York headquarters to join the “Occupy Dimension” protest.

We are the 99%... of the population who wants to see killer fish eat scantily clad women! We want gore and we want it now! We will not be ignored!       

Source: Bad Movie Nite

Asylum toes the copyright infringement line

                On November 11, 2011, Darren Lynn Bousman’s apocalyptic horror flick “11-11-11” will hit theaters. On the same day, Asylum’s knock-off apocalyptic horror flick “11/11/11” will be released on DVD.

                Notice the difference? Even for Asylum, a studio famous for piggy-backing on the success (or potential success) of Hollywood movies with titles like “Transmorphers” and “The Day the Earth Stopped,” this seems a little ridiculous.

                It’s time like this I’m glad my days working at Blockbuster are long gone. I still have nightmares where I’m explaining to confused customers why “The Terminators” looks so cheap and doesn’t have Arnold Schwarzenegger in it. I can’t imagine the horrors of trying to explain the difference between a dash and a slash.

Source: Bad Movie Nite