But I’m
not going to do that. For one, because I like to do things the hard way or as I
like to call it, Colin’s way.
Secondly,
I don’t hate Paris Hilton all that much as an actress. I mean, she really does
lack any sort of talent, but still I have to give the girl credit for starring
in a personal favorite: “House of Wax.” I’d call it a guilty pleasure, but I feel
no guilt about loving that movie. It’s a cheesy good time and it has Jared
Padalecki in it. Recipe for success.
So, let’s
get that out of the way right at the top. Paris sucks. She’s not an actress and
she spends more of the movie posing than she does playing a character.
Done.
The rest of the people involved in “The Hottie and the Nottie?” Uh-uh. Paris is
a drunken party girl, but the rest of you people are supposed to be professionals,
so what’s your excuse for this mess?
 |
| Acting is bad, but script is worse. Pedophile undertones are more like ovetones. Can't see the need to watch this one again. |
That’s
the thing. Paris took a lot of flack for this movie, but even with a competent
leading lady, it would still be a total cluster f from start to finish.
The
biggest culprit is the script from Heidi Ferrer.
In the
movie Paris plays Christabel, a super-hot girl that every guy in town wants to
bang. She’s best friends with a gal named June (Christine Lakin), who is the
polar opposite. June has all sorts of funky moles, deformed toenails and too
much hair in places where you don’t want any and not enough in the places you
do.
Enter Joel David Moore as Nate, a
tall, lanky, nerdy loser who was obsessed with Paris when they were kids
together in the first grade. Only the first grade though, somehow they never
saw each other after that. Maybe he switched schools or something, the movie
never specifies.
Anyway,
he’s maintained that obsession well into adulthood, occasionally looking
longingly at a picture he has of Christabel he’s kept all these years. From
when she was a small child. In the first grade. Take a minute to let that sink
in. It’s an adult man making lovey eyes at a picture of a little girl. Yeah, so
aspiring screenwriters take note: Probably not a good idea to make your leading
man look like a raging pedophile. Unless that’s what your movie is about, in which
case, go sick.
But Nate’s
not supposed to be a pedophile. He just really, really seems like one. And even
if you somehow manage to ignore that massive strike against, his character
still isn’t very likeable. More on that later.
Christabel
has vowed not to sleep with any more dudes until she can find June a man of her
own. Nate seizes the opportunity to set June up with any sort of random wackos
he can find, even performing do-it-yourself electroshock therapy on one guy to
convince him June’s actually hot.
So this
goes on for a while and spoiler alert. Eventually June undergoes a “She’s All
That” style makeover and it turns out, under the extra body hair and moles and
green teeth, she’s actually cute. Shocking!!!
Nate
ends up spending lots of time obviously flirting with June and even kisses her
once she gets prettied up. Despite all that, he spends almost as much time with
June talking about how he wants to bang Christabel. So he also kind of comes across as a huge
scum bag in addition to the earlier pedophile thing.
Underneath
all that mess, I guess there’s supposed to be some sort of positive message
about inner beauty, even though June only gets anyone’s attention by completely
overhauling her whole outer appearance. But yeah … themes are hard so whatev.
Apologies
to Joel David Moore, but he’s wildly miscast as Nate. In no reality or
dimension of time or space would Paris Hilton ever be attracted to him and all
of the trendy facial hair configurations in the world will never hide that
fact.
“Hottie and the Nottie” also has a character
type that never fails to drive me nuts: the chubby, overtly creepy, sort of
goofy but probably a date rapist best friend, in this case it’s portrayed by
someone who actually calls himself The Greg Wilson. Seriously. I hate this type
of character so much. I’m looking at you “Good Luck Chuck.”
Honestly
though, there’s no reason the plot of “Hottie and the Nottie” should ever happen.
None of the characters have any reason to spend any time together. The Greg
Wilson was Nate’s best friend also in the first grade and the first grade
alone. Somehow though he’s more than willing to put his life on hold and help
this essential stranger --- Nate --- bang another total stranger --- Christabel.
Like I said.
Paris took a lot of heat, and she is a miserable actress and an easy target,
but as far as the problems with “Hottie and the Nottie” go, she’s somewhere
more in the middle.
Worst
of the Worst
The
scene where Nate and June share deserts while sitting romantically close on the
floor together. He spends all this time flirting with June, leading her on and
then even kisses her, but somehow still has the balls to ask her to help him
bed Paris. If you didn’t despise Nate by that point in the movie --- keep in
mind, he’s basically been painted as an accidental pedophile --- you definitely
will after that.
Bumblebee
tuna.
