Plot: Three adorable, precocious little girls bury a shoebox
filled with all their hopes and dreams for the future. Several years later,
upon their high school graduation, the girls return to dig up the box, just
like they swore. Only problem is? Well,
they all kinda hate each other now. One of them grew up to be Britney Spears,
the other grew up to be a trashy trailer park gal with a lisp, a baby in her
belly and a heart of gold (Taryn Manning), and the other one is now a bitchy
Queen Bee type (Zoe Saldana). So even though they hate each other, they still
dig up the box and then pretty much out of the blue, they decide to take a road
trip together to California. Seems the trailer park gal wants to take part in
some kind of singing competition, the Queen Bee wants to go see her boyfriend and
the Brit would just love to see her estranged mom who lives in Arizona. Only problem?
They need someone to drive them there. Luckily there’s a generic good-looking
guy hanging around town who may or may not have been in jail for murder. After
all, what could possibly go wrong for three young ladies traveling cross
country with a suspected homicidal maniac? Oh …
Thoughts: Well, luckily for our three leading ladies, “Crossroads”
ain’t that kind of movie. Turns out the guy is not a killer and in addition to
being extremely, generically handsome, he also has a heart of gold.
Oh
well. You get lucky sometimes.
So, let’s
see. “Crossroads.”
 |
| Mixed bag of acting, weak, shallow and cliche story, a total lack of focus, but the adorable Taryn Manning would almost, almost make me OK with watching it again many years from now. |
People throw
around the term “star vehicle” to describe movies built for the sole purpose of
putting over an actor or actress. Never before has that term been so accurate.
Everything in “Crossroads” exists solely to serve Brit.
Everything
in the movie is hers for the taking. Spoiler alert, she gets the generically
handsome dude, even though he started out sort of friendly with the trailer
park gal. While she’s at it, Brit also takes the trailer park gal’s lifelong
dream of becoming a singer and gets to perform at the big singing competition.
Somehow,
through all those trials and tribulations, the trailer park gal never loses her
spunk or her positive outlook on life. Even after she has a miscarriage. Oh,
did I forget to mention that? Yeah, her baby dies. There’s some random heavy
stuff in this movie.
This
girl gets so much crap dumped on her throughout the movie (she was raped
earlier in her life, too, told you about the heavy stuff) it’s mind boggling that
trailer park gal never just absolutely loses her mind. Especially when she has to sit there and
listen to the other two girls complain about their lives.
Oh
boo-hoo Brit, your mom doesn’t love you and Queen Bee, your boyfriend cheated
on you.
Needless
to say, it’s kind of hard to care about the other two leading ladies. I did
really like the trailer park gal though. Taryn Manning is a cutie and how could
you not like such a punching bag of a character?
Let’s
not forget the fact that there’s really no reason for these three girls to be
together. They haven’t been friends for years, in fact, Brit and the Queen Bee
are depicted as basically enemies at the start. Yet all that goes away almost
for good at the first mention of the word road trip.
In addition
to the clunky story, “Crossroads” just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense as a
movie. It’s meant for younger girls, I guess, due to Brittney being in it, but
there’s underage drinking, premarital sex, endless examples of parental authority
being ignored. Not a great message to send to kids. Also, Britney dancing
around for long stretches of time in her undies sends a weird message too.
Allow
me to get philosophical for a moment. Perhaps, like the soundtrack’s big hit “I’m
Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” “Crossroads” is stuck in the middle. It’s got too
much adult stuff to work for kids and is too mind-numbingly hollow and Britney-centric
to be geared towards adults. So it’s stuck somewhere out in the middle, not
really doing much of anything for anyone.
The few
times Britney gets to stretch her chops as an actress are kind of a mixed bag.
She’s got one good scene with the generic good-looking dude after her mom
rejects her, but she’s got plenty of other clunkers that cancel it out.
The
rest of the cast, including Dan Akroyd as Brit’s loving, but overwhelming
father, is completely forgettable outside of Manning. Everyone else, feh!
Worst
of the Worst
Britney
and the generic good-looking guy sit around a piano to turn a poem she wrote into
a moving, beautiful song. Well, they try anyway. The song’s terrible and they’ve
got the exact opposite of chemistry. The
scene is super uncomfortable to watch and man is that one of the most childish
and stupid songs ever written? Brit, lose the heavy-handed messages and stick
to catchy pop tunes.
There
you go, “Crossroads.” Bumblebee tuna.
