Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance- 16%, Certified Rotten
What is it: Nic Cage is back as the motorcycle-riding,
anti-hero with a flaming skull. He’s still cursed to be the devil’s bounty
hunter, but this time he’s got himself a plan to rid himself of the lord of
darkness for all of time. This comes to us from the directors of “Crank” so
take that for what it’s worth.
This Means War- 25%, Certified Rotten
What is it: Dammit. I love me some Tom Hardy, I really do.
Honestly, critics could give this thing “Jack and Jill” reviews and I’d still
want to see it. Anyway, my man Tom plays a dashing CIA operative who’s set his
sights on Reese Witherspoon. Only problem? Tom’s best pal, a fellow CIA
operative played by Chris Pine of “Star Trek” fame, is also interested in Miss
Witherspoon. Sure it requires us to suspend some disbelief. Like there’s a
chance Capt. Kirk could compete with BANE! I mean ladies, let’s be honest with
each other here. We’d all push several old people down a flight of steps just
to shake hands with Tom. Yeah, who cares what the critics say or what this
movie is about. SEE IT!
Brace
yourselves folks. Better put the kids to bed, secure all small animals in a
safe location and remove any sharp objects from your general area.
Josh
Duhamel, the iconic star of the “Tranformers” franchise, has NOT yet been
contacted to reprise his memorable role as “some army guy” in the upcoming
fourth chapter in the hit robot-fighting series.
Not
only has the “Tranformers” franchise turned its back on a very vital and
necessary participant in Duhamel, but apparently NONE of the other humans from
the previous films have been contacted yet either.
“I don’t think anybody’s doing it,”
Duhamel told E! online. What does that mean exactly?
Shia “Beefcake”
LaBeouf. Gone.
Tyrese.
Gone.
The British
model who replaced Megan Fox. Gone.
Megan
Fox. Presumably still gone.
The
parents. God-willing they’re gone too.
Dear god.
It’s almost as if the series’ human element was utterly, utterly expendable in
every sense of the word. As if producers believed the franchise could survive
and be profitable SOLEY based on computer effects and nostalgia.
If this
really is the end of the “Tranformers” clan as we know it, at least we’ll
always have the good times. Like when Megan Fox worked on that car in part one.
And when the model got out of that car in part three. And when Tyrese and Josh
D. got to do stuff that one time. And hours upon hours of Shia LaBeouf shouting
robot’s names dramatically.
Plot: During a routine radar test flight, an electrical
engineer by the name of MacAfee (Jeff Morrow) spots a UFO that’s “as big as a
battleship.” The Air Force sends fighters to investigate, but they don’t find
anything. Worse: one of them doesn’t make it back. So of course everyone thinks
MacAfee is a dangerous nut. Until more planes start disappearing. Then more
people spot the UFO and eventually we learn it’s not a ship, but a giant
intergalactic vulture that emits an antimatter force field, making it immune to
weapons. You know, that old chestnut. It’s up to MacAfee, the world’s most
attractive mathematician (Mara Corday), a few generals and a drunken French
Canadian to kill the bird, save the planet and restore order to the scientific
community.
Why it stinks: I have no idea why this movie is called “The Giant
Claw.” None. The giant, intergalactic space vulture, like all regular and
Earth-bound vultures, has two claws. So I guess a more accurate title would be
“The Giant Claws.” Why the producers chose to single out just one of its claws
is beyond me. Also unknown is whether the title refers to the left or right
claw of the intergalactic winged menace, since they both seem to be roughly the
same size.
Petty
moaning about the title aside, “The Giant Claw” was made in the 50’s, it was
made on the cheap and boy does it show. Look no further than the intergalactic space
vulture. Sweet jesus lord, the thing looks like something a demented kindergartener
would draw. It has a beak AND huge pointy teeth! Why?? That kind of early-stage psychosis
will almost certainly get you sent to the principal’s office and enrolled
in some type of counseling.
Not
only is the character design bizarre, the puppet used to bring that design to
life is an absolute disaster. There are no words to describe it other than it’s
like something out of Jim Henson’s cheapest, ugliest nightmare.
Side note: The bird is either from "some godforsaken antimatter galaxy" or the past, depending on who you believe.
Let’s
face it though, the human characters in the movie really aren’t any better
constructed than the puppet. Our hero, if you can call him that, MacAfee is
just so easy to root against. Perhaps his shining moment comes while he and the
lady mathematician are on board a plane. She’s asleep, so naturally he takes it
upon himself to start making out with her. Now, at this point in the story, the
two have no relationship other than business, and she really doesn’t even seem
to like him all that much.
So, she
does what any intelligent woman would do when she wakes up to find a creepy guy
with his tongue down her throat: She starts throwing around sex euphemisms and
laughs the whole thing off. Next thing you know the two are a couple! What a
story that’s going to make for the grandkids! “You see little Jimmy, one day
your pop pop started having his way with me while I was asleep.”
The
characters also have an annoying habit of identifying each other by what they
do. For example: MacAfee is an electrical engineer, and we’re told that over
and over again. I guess in case you’d forgotten what his occupation was in the
5 minutes since it was last brought up.
Being a
Z-grade 50’s sci-fi movie, “The Giant Claw” relies on a lot of stock footage
and narration to tell its story. In terms of the stock footage, fans of
aviation should get a kick out of spotting all of the different time a plane
changes to something else in mid scene, based on what was available. Bombers,
fighters, it’s all the same as far as “The Giant Claw” is concerned.
And the
narration. Boy oh boy. This movie features some of the most trivial narration
ever committed to film. “It was eleven o’clock. On a Thursday. The sky was
clear. Visibility, unlimited.” Who cares! The movies only 77 minutes, stop
wasting time with a weather report!
Worst
of the worse
If you’ve
never seen a model plane crash into a model forest in truly unspectacular
fashion, and want to, then boy have I got the film for you!
Ladies and
gentlemen, I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story and I need
everyone to stop what you’re doing and listen…
Nicholas
Cage is NOT a vampire.
That’s
all. Carry on with your lives.
Apparently,
the “Ghost Rider” star went on Letterman last night to put aside any rumors
that he may in fact be a centuries-old, blood-sucking, undead, creature of the
night.
Oh and
also to promote his new movie, “Ghost Rider: Sprit of Vengeance,” in theaters
Feb. 17, 2012!
Apparently,
someone found a picture of a guy from 1870’s Tennessee that looks exactly like
Cage. This started the rumor mill a-churning that Cage was not of the living.
And
because Nic Cage is a favorite of ours here at The Cheese List, this is news.
So,
what do you think America? Should we all start stringing garlic in our local
movie theaters to keep Cage away? Or is this just one of those coincidence
things I’ve been hearing so much about?
Sweet
merciful lord there’s a lot of crap coming out this weekend. I mean my god,
Hollywood just went all Dave Matthews Band on this weekend. Well, let me put on
my rubber gloves and sift through all this waste.
Star
Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace- 58%, Certified Rotten
What
the heck is it: You remember that movie you hated 13 years ago? Well, it’s
back, only this time it’s in 3-D so there’s a whole new dimension to nauseate
movie goers. You win George Lucas. The planet is officially sick of “Star Wars.”
Good job.
The
Vow- 28%, Certified Rotten
What
the heck is it: The latest romance flick where Rachel McAdams has to be
reminded of stuff. Fans of “The Notebook,” here’s that long-awaited
quasi-sequel you haven’t been clamoring for. Oh and this time, it’s Channing
Tatum doing the reminding, not Ryan Gosling. Tatum’s good at that kind of stuff
though. He’s had a lot of practice reminding people he’s not Josh Hartnett. Of
course, seeing as though I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room… just
saying…
Safe
House- 53%, Certified Rotten
What
the heck is it: Denzel Washington plays a bad dude and Ryan Reynolds is a
rookie cop out to get him or something. Really, I only have one question: How
snarky is Ryan Reynolds in this movie? Because usually, the snarkier he is, the
better the movie is, outside of “Buried.” That was a sensational movie without
even a drop of snark. Hey, let’s all go watch “Buried.”
Journey
2: The Mysterious Island- 43%, Certified Rotten
There
was a time in my youth when I used to await the next M. Night Shyamalan movie
like a little kid waiting for Santa Claus.
Hmmm…
yeah ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Night’s got nothing on the jolly fat
man in the red suit, but by god the spirit of what I said is true.
I loved
me some Night. You can tell I’m pretentious because I call him Night, by the
way.
Now
though, I dread the next M. Night Shyamalan movie like the characters on “Futurama”
dreaded the killer robot Santa that stalked the streets of the year 3000. And
that is no exaggeration.
His next project is called “After Earth” and
boy does it sound like a steaming pile. It stars Will and Jayden Smith as a
father and son duo (GASP!) who crash land on Earth in the distant future after humans
have been forced to abandon the planet. With his dad badly injured, it’s up to
the young man to save the day and therein lies the problem.
I don’t want to watch a Jayden Smith movie
featuring Will Smith. Just give me the elder Smith and leave the kids and the
wife--- especially the wife, never liked her--- at home.
If there’s any upside to be found,
it’s that Night is only directing this movie and not writing it… or acting in
it… as well. I’ve been saying he should do that for years, so you’re welcome
America.
Screenwriting duties fall to Gary
Whitta (“The Book of Eli”) and Academy Award-winning writer Stephen Gaghan (“Traffic”).
I like
to think of myself as one of those creative types. After all, I’ve got a bit of
scraggily facial hair and let’s face it, I didn’t teach myself to be left
handed all those years ago so I could easily use gel pens.
Being a
creative type, nothing pains me more than when I read an article for this blog and
have literally nothing to add. You simply can’t say it any better than the
initial writer did.
He
correctly pointed out that Guy Pierce’s new movie, “Lock-out” is essentially
the unofficial third entry to John Carpenter and Kurt Russell’s legendary “Escape”
saga.
The only
thing missing is a guy in an eye patch.
Basically,
it’s the future and is always the case in the future we need something to do
with our prisoners. Rather than wall them off in Manhattan, we decide to shoot
them into space and leave ’em locked up in an orbiting space station.
Naturally, the president’s daughter
goes poking around up there and gets herself stranded just as the criminals all
bust out of their cells. There’s only one man who can save her and it’s a loose
cannon by the name of Sn… ow. Snow. Damn, so close.
Yeah good times. Watch the trailer
and enjoy. Should be something.
Credentials:50%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 5.8 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 42 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nominated for one Razzie Award at the Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Sequel or Remake)
Plot: A wealthy, thrill-seeking couple (played by William H.
Macy and Tea Leoni) hire famed paleontologist Alan Grant (Sam Neill) to take
them on an aerial tour of Site B, the dinosaur-inhabited island from “The Lost
World.” However, once there, Grant finds out his new friends might not be as
wealthy… or as couple-y as he was led to believe. And instead of seeking
thrills, the pair is seeking their young son, who went missing on the island. With
a little help from a meddling super-predator called the Spinosaurus, the aerial
tour takes a decidedly unscheduled, land-based detour. From there it’s up to
Grant to navigate an island full of genetically-engineered dinos, including a
pack of super-intelligent Velociraptors, and get everyone home safe. Where have
you gone Senior Spielbergo?
Why it stinks: I won’t even beat around the bush on this
one. “Jurassic Park III” features one of, if not the most abrupt, stupid, and
insulting endings ever committed to film. In fact, insulting is really the best
way to describe it. The way “Jurassic Park III” ends is a slap in the face to
everyone who paid their hard earned money to see the third chapter in one of
cinema’s most enduring, iconic franchises.
Screenwriters
Peter Buchman, Jim Taylor and Alexander Payne should be ashamed of themselves
for writing something so unapologetically idiotic. The trio owes America its $181,171,875
back. Buchman is known for nonsense like “Eragon,” so I’d expect this from him,
but Taylor and Payne have an Oscar for “Sideways.” They should know better.
Without
giving too much away--- it really needs to be seen to be believed--- “Jurassic
Park III” ends so suddenly it’s almost as if the filmmakers ran out of money
and just had to stop. God I hope that’s the case and those three didn’t
actually write it that way.
I could
go on like this. What about the rest of the movie? Well, it’s the third film in
an action saga so some of the faults are to be expected. Character development?
HA! Don’t hold your breath. There are basically three kinds of characters in “JPIII”:
nameless victims, untouchable heroes and Grant. Grant gets his own category
because he’s awesome and I can’t bring myself to lump him in with rabble like
the wealthy couple.
At
least “JPIII” can fall back on its groundbreaking special effects, right? Yeah,
not so much. Maybe the bar was set too high after parts one and two, but the
dinos in part three look a little cheap. The special effects department seems
to have taken a massive step back. Even comparatively basic stuff like showing
a kid and a dude parasailing up close looks awful. If you can’t do that, how
are you supposed to bring a Spinosaurus to life?
The movie’s
requisite “kid in danger” storyline is hokey and downright unbelievable. I’m
waiting for my check Payne, Taylor and Buchman.
Lastly,
almost as egregious as the ending is the lack of attention paid to the movie’s
centerpiece: a battle of the titans between a T-Rex and a Spinosaurus. It’s
over before it begins. Considering how uninteresting the human leads are--- except
for Grant--- I think we could spare more than a few minutes for a confrontation
such as this.
---Director
Joe Johnson would go on to direct the very good “Captain America.” Hmmm… it’s
almost like he, Taylor and Payne all decided to do this one blindfolded.
---“JPIII”
also features Pteranodons, large flying reptiles. Pretty cool.
---The one
time you think the movie is going to show some guts and kill off a main
character, it wusses out at the last second. Lame.
Worst of the Worst
The ending
is a G-D mess.
Video Evidence
Two minutes? Laaame.
There
you have it. “Jurassic Park III.” Bumblebee tuna.
This is
the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a children’s board game.
Hmm…
seems fitting I suppose.
So, I started
this blog to find the worst movie of all time, and boys and girls it looks like
I found it.
I mean
sure, said movie hasn’t been made, cast or even written yet, but I’m still
pretty confident.
Adam
Sandler is in talks to produce, write and star in the “Candy Land” movie.
It’s
either a dream or a nightmare depending on your perspective. One of the worst
actors of this generation starring in the film adaptation of one of the stupidest
board games of all time.
I just…
I just don’t know what else to say. I guess once I see Sandler's "Candy Land"this movie--- and I will
see it--- there will be nothing left for me to do but walk off into the sunset
and wait for the inevitable asteroid slamming into the Earth’s crust that will
surely follow right behind this movie.
Is
there any way we can rush this thing into production can give it a Dec. 21, 2012
release date? If the world HAS to end, might as well at least let the Mayans be
right. Let someone get something out of this pending apocalypse.
So kiss
your friends and loved ones good bye and empty those bank accounts because the
end is nigh.
Oh
yeah, “Enchanted” director Kevin Lima will be directing the movie and Sandler
is going to co-write it with Robert Smigel.
And no I’m
not just talking about what happens when she reads scripts! Ba dum chi!
I
dunno, does that make sense? Ah well, who cares.
So,
Katherine Heigl is set to star in an indie film called “Face Blind.” Woohoo.
In the
film she plays a psychologist who has a rare disorder which doesn’t let her
recognize people’s faces. Soon she ends up stalked by some guy and she doesn’t
know who he is.
Yeah
that sounds like a winner. Wonder which regional accent she’ll attempt and
butcher this time? She already crossed off New Jersey in “One for the Money.”
Maybe New Orleans? I’d watch that movie.
Also,
is it just me or does this movie sound like the plot for an insufferable CBS crime
drama?
